Mmm.. how should I put this.. I am in love with someone, whom I know will never love me back.. because she is straight… I know, I am just looking for trouble.. but I just can’t helped it.. I didn’t plan to, I just did..

She is my housemate.. ya.. I know.. It sure made things more complicated.. Met her for the first time on Jan 17, when my landlord treated us to lunch.. I was captivated.. but being a rational Capricorn, I didn’t allow this single encounter to mess with my self-control..

Even after I moved into my new place, I didn’t really hang around with her much.. I try to keep my distance, since I am very new to this realm of the hearts, so as not to put myself in situations that I have no control of.. Yet, I can’t stay away from her..

Slowly we meet while we cook our meals, then it became a daily ritual.. I will cook and we will have at least 1 meal a day together.. sometimes even 2! For her, I went online searching for recipes of her favorite food.. For her, I made sure there are colors and variety in my cooking.. For her, I adjusted my lunch and dinner times so I can eat with her.. For her, I went grocery shopping almost everyday so I would have fresh food for her.. Frankly, I didn’t realise that I could be so accommodating..

Yet, regardless of what I do, I can’t tell her that I like her.. Coming from a tight community of Malaysians here, any news would spread like rapid fire.. and I am not ready to face the trials and challenges of being a lez.. and the last thing I want would be for my brother, who is working here, to get the wind of this.. I have to stay in the closet..

Also, she is straight.. or so I perceived.. I know that she likes me and likes hanging out with me.. but what kind of “like” is that? the sisterly kind or lover kind? I don’t want to put too much hope into this as I know that the higher my hope is, the harder I would fall when my hope is dashed..

Add to the fact that we will be going our separate ways in less than 2 months.. she will be going back to Malaysia for good in Aug, while I will be going to Singapore to work.. Thus seriously, I don’t see any future in this “relationship” , if you can even call it such…

All that said, I shall just enjoy whatever time that we have left together fully.. And I shall not stop loving and caring for her… even if it is only for another 50 days… I will not expect anything from her, but I will not stop hoping..

I told one of my good friends about my sexuality.. I didn’t plan it at all.. it just happened.. and to my surprise, she was very calm about it.. in fact, she told me that she knew that I was gay when we were in the same company more than 7 years ago!! That showed how out of touch I was with my own emotions and sexuality..

Told her about my latest crush.. on one of my housemates (I shall call her S).. It was some sort of love at first sight.. I was captivated by S the first time I lay eyes on her.. and the feelings just grew deeper.. add to the fact that we stay under the same roof, I see her almost everyday, and we have meals together everyday!!

My friend asked me to ask S one question, so as to establish if I should go after her or not.. I won’t want to cause any awkwardness between us if S is straight.. but in the end I still asked.. not to her alone, but together with the other housemate too.. the answer S gave was not straight forward.. and that just make the whole thing more unclear..

After my 1 week overseas trip, my feelings for S didnt subdued at all.. in fact, I thought of her every day.. So indeed, distance and separation do make the hearts grow fonder.. Also, I came out to another friend of mine whom I met during my holiday.. again, she wasn’t a bit suprised.. she was just waiting for me to confess to her.. oh boy.. was I such an obvious Lez???

Don’t think I would be doing much coming out in the recent months to come.. I think that none of my other friends would be able to take the news or accept me as I am.. so that’s it to my coming out story for now..

Lost

© By Kelsey P. Williams

No one would ever guess that something was wrong,
All of the smiles and a confidence that seemed so strong.
As an actress she learned to stand,
However, amongst the clouds she wished to land.
When her shield finally wore out,
Her happy smile turned to a pout.
The upbeat attitude was replaced by tears,
All her activities were replaced by beers.
As she smoked and drunk the night away,
Her life slipped through her fingers, unwilling to stay.
Many noticing her cry of pain,
Searched in agony to relieve her strain.
But since it had always been easier to pretend,
There was no help that anyone could lend.

Happy 34th Birthday to me!!

A year older but none the wiser, I think.. and still as closeted as ever.. Maybe within this year, I might gather enough courage to come out.. Maybe..

Oh.. how I wish to fall in love!! I need a woman to love!! and to be loved too.. And that shall be my birthday wish for the year..  Sigh…

The Loner

© By Kayla N. Mynatt

The loner, who quivers and shakes
The one whose heart is always at quake.

The loner, who wants to die
The one who stays up only to cry.

The loner, who is always disturbed
The one who nobody heard.

The loner, who didn’t know what to do
The one who nobody knew.

The loner, who kept everything inside
The one who had everything to hide.

The loner, who nobody cared for
The one who slowly hit the floor.

The loner, whose eyes always fled
The one whose wrist always bled.

The loner, who you never seemed to see
The one who turns out to be me.

Sure has been a long time since I last blogged here… My sister was here for the summer, and soon after that I was busy with my homework and research.. But to put it simply, I was suffering from blogging-fatigue.. as I have another blog that I update fairly frequently for my family and friends.. Since I have yet to come out, I couldn’t possibly be merging the two blogs together, not to mention put up the same article in both blogs.. And with the ending of my grammar classes last Jul, I no longer get to meet my sweet Park-Sensei..  Anyway, I was very clear that that was nothing but an infatuation.. Nothing would ever came out of it…

Oh ya, another thing… for the past 10 months or so, I have received several emails from people through my postings in some of those online “dating” sites.. but unfortunately, none of the correspondences lasted more than 2 months.. Most of them just stopped writing altogether when I let loose the fact that I had NEVER been with anyone, and also I have NEVER been in a relationship.. they stopped writing because they are afraid that I am still unsure about my sexuality or that I might turn out to be emotionally immature?? Or that I might be emotion-handicapped since it might seemed weird to them that I never did once fall in love in my 34 years.. Maybe they are right.. Who knows!!

Anyway, I have been on my own for such a long time, that even though it would be great to have that special someone by my side, I will not force myself to just grab anyone that comes along who had showed a tiny bit of interest.. I am not THAT desperate..

With my 34th birthday about 1 week away, I am just feeling kinda blue..

So Clay Aiken is gay and Lindsay Lohan is going out with Samantha Ronson.. and ???

Seriously I don’t see the big deal in these news…. people should just chill and let these stars/celebrities be with who they wanna be..

• Does being gay in any way diminished their acting, singing or whatever skills/talents??
• Does being gay impede their abilities to entertain??
• Does being gay meant that they are not as good as other heterosexual artistes??
• Does being gay meant that they won’t be as believable in heterosexual roles than heterosexual actors/actresses in gay roles??
• Does being gay meant that they have to constantly prove themselves to be talented artistes??

My only concern for these artistes/celebrities who came out is that being gay would become their ONLY claim to fame.. That would be pretty sad, don’t you think??

Yesterday, my younger bro got married.. or to be more precised, he registered his marriage at the Embassy in Tokyo.. He met his wife last year around Nov I think… and now he is married..too fast for my liking, but well, I am not the one being tied down with matrimony..

The impression that he is marrying for the sake of marrying will never leave me.. He is just 31 years old this year and yet he can’t wait to get married.. Marriage, to him, seemed like one of the “must-do” item on his list… and already, he is planning for his kids.. Taurus.. oh Taurus..

I have seen a lot of people around marrying not because they are ready and/or they have found someone whom they wanted to spend their life with, but due to some frivolous reasons. Most common reasons for getting married that I’ve heard are:

• All my friends are married, so I need to get married too..
• My parents want me to get marry…
• If I don’t marry this guy/gal, I might not find another person willing to take me..
• I am not getting any younger or my biological clock is ticking..
• Oops.. the baby is coming in xx months, we have to get marry..

Maybe these are just excuses given and were not the real reasons.. but whatever the reasons/excuses might be, they have to bear the consequences.. Divorce rate is at an all time high, regardless of which country you are in.. so why take the plunge unless you are sure? or maybe one needs a moment of rashness to take the plunge? What do I know, right? Since I have never been in love before.. 

Maybe I am just too rational.. maybe one needs to be more emotional to be in any relationships.. maybe..

Anyway, just wanna wish a happy and long marriage to my little bro..