Like this:

I have been agonizing over this for quite a few months already..and it took me a long while to decide to write this letter..

Yet how should I begin?

You never talked about yourself.. You are always so mysterious and guarded about your past and/or your relationships, unlike AA who talks about her ex-bf frequently.. You are out-going and friendly, yet very private.. You must have your own reasons to be mum about it and I fully respect that. Thus I did not and shall not probe further.. For me, there is nothing to say as I have never been in any relationship.. I had locked away my heart for a very long time.. I refused to go to that emotional side of me because I am afraid of what I would find.. and most importantly I am afraid of losing control, afraid of letting one person having THE control over me and my emotions.. yet, when I met you, all hell broke loose and I could never go back being that overtly rational and emotionless me anymore..

To put it straight and simple, I have a crush on you.. a BIG and scary (to me) one.. ever since I saw you coming down from the stairs that Saturday (Jan xx) afternoon.. I didn’t realize it at first as I have not been in touch with my heart for very long.. In fact, you are the first person in the last 18 years who had managed to make me feel the emotions and feelings that I never thought I would ever experience again. Joy, contentment, anxiousness, jealousy, and most importantly love.

You have no idea how jealous I was in France, when SD and you were so very obviously attracted to each other and were flirting around in the living room, while I was in the kitchen cooking dinner.. I was surprised at myself for being able to put aside that anger and jealousy, and still be nice and friendly.. But, I did tell myself, there and then, that what right do I have to be jealous? Who am I to you? In fact, I am nobody, just a housemate.. And from that incident onwards, I fully realized and understood that I can only be a friend, nothing more and nothing less.. Yet, I can’t help but continue loving you..

That 30 odd days when I went back to Japan alone was torturuous… I was depressed beyond words, and I still feel that way often, even now, yet I can’t tell people it was because I miss you.. And it became worse as I am lost with regards to my career and future too.. Those poems became my only outlet.. VN scolded me for falling so hard and deep over you even after she had told me the consequences and had warned me about it.. She told me to get some perspective and clarity by going for the trip to Western Japan. Yet even on the trip, the thought “Ah, how I wish S is here now…” came up everyday everywhere I go..

Yes, I miss you.. very much.. I missed the way you call my name, dragging the last syllables.. I missed how you need to eat every 4 hours (like a baby).. I missed the sight of your pink slippers outside your bedroom door.. I missed filling up your themos.. I missed the smell when you got out of the bathroom.. I missed the contented look on your face when you ate my cooking.. I missed the way you hold your chopsticks.. I missed your Cantonese-Mandarin.. I missed looking out of my window, seeing the light in your toilet and knowing that you have came back safely.. These small little mundane things became things that I look forward to everyday..

Just seeing you makes me happy.. Your smile would instantly brighten up my day.. That 6 months living under the same roof was the best time of my life.. I will not forget the sakura trips, our nightly cooking sessions and our almost nightly g-chats.. And no doubt that the Europe trip was the climax.. I had never been so happy and excited in my adult life, yet I can’t show the full extend of my euphoria less you become suspicious.. I had to constantly remind myself to behave within the constraint of a friend and keep an appropriate distant.. I was very happy yet agonizing at the same time..

You have no idea of the amount of heartaches I had endured and tears I had shed.. You have no idea of the influence you have over me, your every word, comment and gesture affects me in ways you’ll never realize.. You have no idea the amount of self-restraint I need to stop myself from doing or saying things that I want to but can’t.. You have no idea how happy and content I was just by the fact that you were a door away. You have no idea the emotional rollercoaster that I go through every night, waiting for you to buzz me over g-chat.

Because of you, tomato became one of my favorite food.. because of you, I found the passion and reason for cooking.. because of you, I realized that I can be sociable if I want to.. because of you, I realized that my heart isn’t stone-cold nor dead.. because of you, I realized that I am quite accommodating and am willing to sacrifice for the person I love.. because of you, I realized that I am capable of loving a person unconditionally.. because of you, I realized that I am human afterall..

I know that by writing to you, I am risking our friendship.. I have tried all kinds of ways to put these feelings aside, but thus far I have failed miserably.. I just wanna let you know my true feelings, so that I could have a closure of sort and move on with my life. I have to do something to stop this slide of losing myself. I know that I am being cruel and selfish by jeapodizing this status quo.. I am not expecting anything from you.. In fact, I know that there could never be anything between us.. Just like the last two verses in James Blunt’s “You’re Beautiful”, “But it’s time to face the truth, I could never be with you..” Whatever decision you make after reading this letter, whether we could still be friends or not, I will fully respect that. I just wanna say that I am glad that we met and you will always be my friend..

In case we shall never speak again, let me bid you one last, “Good Night dear, Sweet Dreamz…..”
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Wrote this to S a year ago.. Bore my heart and soul, knowing fully well that I would not be getting the response that I had hoped for.. yet, I still sent this to her.. cos I needed a closure, a confirmation, a real slap in the face to make me wake up and walk away from this once and for all..

A year later, though my heart doesn’t ache as much, it still hurts.. and I finally accepted the fact that I was nobody to her.. we knew each other for about 6 months, yet it took me almost a year to get over her.. 问世间情为何物？

Hopefully I will be more lucky with my next (but still nowhere to be found)  love..

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