我们家不算小康，老爸是军人，微薄的薪水要养活一家5口。所以我们家只有过年前才会买新衣，几乎没有买过什么玩具、玩偶或电玩。。父母唯一肯花钱的就是书和刊物，所以我家储藏室堆积不下50箱的书本刊物。。

衣服通常都是穿到破了才不穿，根本没有所谓“过季”或“过时”的奢侈。。衣服破了，就把它当抹布、抹脚布，绝对不会就这样丢了。。也因为这样，我家的衣服件件都“历史久远”。。我在大学时候搞活动的t’shirt到现在我依然可以在家里穿当便服，即便它已经快14年了！！夸张吧？！

所以也养成我现在很少逛街买衣服。。(disclaimer: 但如果有人陪，我可不介意。。)

在新加坡工作时，我都必须逼迫自己每年至少‘采购’2次衣服，不然我就只会recycle我既有的衣服。。不然我都是把喜欢穿的那件裤子/衬衫穿破了，才会心不甘情不愿地去买新的。。到了日本，因为气候的不同，我只好乖乖地添购新衣服。我比一般日本女生还‘大只’，不过还好有Uniqlo。。

近10几年来，就算已经工作了，每一年的除夕夜都会换上（至少）一件新的衣物，然后把父母给的压岁红包放在身上睡到初一。。

可今年破例了。。

今年的除夕夜，我换上了一件印有‘Soulmate’字样的新长袖t’shirt，然后看着天蓝若空所写的《不分》到今天（初一）早上4点。。临睡前只想着：“希望可以在今年找到我的soulmate。。”
我这个愿望会成真吗？I can only hope..

今年我家的團圓飯少了2個人，在台灣的我和在日本的弟弟。
弟弟不回家，是不想面對家族對他的婚姻的‘關切’。
他的婚姻出了狀況。他不想公告天下，更不願意聽到：“什麼時候讓你父母抱孫子啊？”這類問題。。
我不回家，主因是經濟，但也少不了想逃避每年都會被問到的老問題：“怎麼還沒對象啊？”

每次被問到，我只會微笑不語。。
之前不回答是因為我是真的很忙，十足的工作狂，而且一個人活得自在輕鬆。。
現在不回應是因為我終於了解自己喜歡的是女生。。
之前不回答是我認為他們無法體會單身的精彩。。
現在不回應是我知道他們不可能會接受同性戀。。
我是個不喜歡說謊，也不善於說謊的人。
與其對著家族裡的每個人說謊，不如避而不見。

還有我的身份很尷尬。。
每年長輩都會給我紅包，因為未婚的還可以拿紅包。
拿了三十幾年，連結了婚的堂表弟妹也開始給我紅包，讓我很尷尬。。
年齡相近的堂表兄姐弟妹都已經成家有了小孩，聚在一起就是聊孩子。。
年紀小的堂表弟妹還在念書，跟他們聊天很怕他們當我在訓話，在倚老賣老。。
兩邊的話題都搭不上。。
我也無法跟長輩聊天，因為他們總會繞到我為何還單身這個我不想聊的話題上。。
到最后我只能坐在一旁靜靜地看書。每次過年都差不多是如此。。
到別人家看書，倒不如窩在自己家裡/床上看書！

今年，親朋好友都覺得我一個人在台灣過年很可憐，可是對我而言沒有差別。
我唯一挂念的是那一桌美味的團圓飯和我妹。。

Think about it.. those of us who are still in the closet have to ‘fake it’ all the time.. saying lies to prevent people from knowing the truth.. staying constantly on our toes so we won’t get find out.. making sure all, if not most, of our emotions are in check so as not to betray how we really feel inside.. pretending to like guys just to keep up an appearance.. hiding our whereabouts from family and friends so we can go meet up with our girlfriends.. ensuring our actions and lies are consistent so we can continue to live inside the closet.. simply put, we are EXPERT at HIDING who we really are and pass off as someone we are not, convincingly..

Additionally, all the false pretense that are eating at us makes us melancholy and ‘distant’.. we are deeply tormented, yet we can’t tell anyone about it.. we are ‘complicated’.. we live a double life.. and when we finally come out, those closest to us might not be able to handle the truth or to forgive us for lying to them.. they might continue to deny who we really are.. or they might learn to accept us regardless..

Aren’t all these traits happen to be what is commonly believed as characteristics of a spy??

Fleeing Away
My thoughts soar not as they ought to soar,
Higher and higher on soul-lent wings;
But ever and often and more and more
They are dragged down earthward by little things,
By little troubles and little needs,
As a lark might be tangled among the weeds.

My purpose is not what it ought to be,
Steady and fixed, like a star on high,
But more like a fisherman’s light at sea;
Hither and thither it seems to fly–
Sometimes feeble, and sometimes bright,
Then suddenly lost in the gloom of night.

My life is far from my dream of life–
Calmly contented, serenely glad;
But, vexed and worried by daily strife,
It is always troubled and ofttimes sad–
And the heights I had thought I should reach one day
Grow dimmer and dimmer, and farther away.

My heart never finds the longed-for rest;
Its worldly striving, its greed for gold,
Chilled and frightened the calm-eyed guest
Who sometimes sought me in days of old;
And ever fleeing away from me
Is the higher self that I long to be.

上周末去KL参加我朋友（A）的婚礼。我在日本最后的7个月有缘与2 位同样是来自马来西亚的女生同住在一个屋檐下，我单恋着其中一位（S），而结婚的是另一位（A）。。在我向S告白之后的几个月，我对A出柜了也全盘托出了我对S的感觉，因为A察觉我对S的态度变冷了。很开心的，笃信回教的A并没有因此排斥我，反而成为我可以诉苦的对象之一。。:)

我知道A会邀请S参加，但我并不知S是否会出席。。我既期待又害怕，很想见S一面，又担心自己无法把持住，会再次动心。。内心的这份拉锯竟然让我在前一晚失眠了！我有充分的理由不出席（我刚在2个礼拜前动了手术，在右耳脖子附近，伤口还满“吓人”的。），但我觉得在情在理我都应该到场祝福A，而且我们一位共同的泰国朋友（M）也已经确定千里迢迢的飞来参加了，加上到时还有几位在日本认识但已经归国的朋友也会出席，所以理性的我决定不让S成为我和老朋友叙旧的阻碍。。

到了婚礼现场，和M碰了面就滔滔不绝地聊了起来。。向她介绍了我国结婚习俗的点点以及各种族间的差异，也聊到了各自的近况。。不久之后其他 的朋友也到了，并加入聊天。。一边聊天、吃东西，一边观看婚礼仪式，现场很是热闹。但我还是无时不在人群中寻找S的踪影，期待她的到来。一心二用着。。

另一位共同的朋友C突然转过头来告诉我说，S在2个小时前打电话给他说她要先去打羽毛球，一个小时之后要他过去接她。可是因为C已经答应到机场去接另一位朋友（E）了，所以他叫S自己开车过来。。我听了之后，有点生气。。原来在S心目中出席A的婚礼竟然比不上打一场羽毛球来得重要？！？婚礼已经在2个小时前就开始了！！可想而知我们这些“朋友”在她心中的分量是何等的微不足道，那我更是什么都不是了！我还在这里自我陶醉，想像着S看到我会有多么高兴。。原来我还是那么在意我在她心中的位置。。

再过半小时后，C跟我说“我的朋友”现在在泊车，一下子就要到了。。我听了之后，竟开始紧张起来了！我借故去了下厕所。。在厕所里我尽量调整自己的情绪和思绪。不断地提醒自己，S已经拒绝了我，我就不要再幻（妄）想下去了。。

S终于出现了。我们打了个招呼，我就故意不再继续跟她保持eye-contact，望向婚礼台去。无奈我右手边有个空位，S就被安排坐了下来。为了不突显我们两个之间的尴尬，我还是客气地倒了杯水给她，然后转向左边与M聊天。等S跟每个人打了招呼或介绍了之后，她就开始试图跟我聊天，我也礼貌上地回复。这时，我内心百感交集，五味杂陈。我尽量压抑自己不表露一丝情绪。。我不想和她有太多的接触以免又再陷入，可是另一方面却又希望可以从她口中得到她还在乎的信息，非常矛盾。。

不管是与A夫妇合照，或是跟其他朋友拍照，S总是站在我旁边，把一只手托在我肩膀。。有一、两次我故意走到另一边拍，为的就是不想让自己因为S的举动而胡思乱想。。当我向大家说我必须提前离开时，正向buffet餐桌走去的S竟大声地回过头说“Don’t go yet, I want to catch-up with you!”。我只好答应，但只可以多留10分钟。。那时的我，心里很乱。。S拿了食物回来坐到我右边，我只好跟她聊一聊，但我故意不把头转过去，因为我怕看到她的模样，怕自己会见得多陷得更快，就假借开刀伤口还没好脖子无法右转为由，不正视她。。我好怕自己的眼神出卖了自己真正的情绪。。

10分钟到了之后，我好像逃难似的，草草地向大伙告别就走了。我真的连正眼也不敢直视S地离开了。。在回家路上我后悔了，也懊恼自己竟然因为S而完全忘了要好好地跟其他出席的朋友告别。。不但如此，我更是气自己为何要在离开了之后竟传了个简讯给她：“It was good to see you again”。。。。。

原来我仍然让S如此地影响着我。。。原来我只是把感觉置一旁不去理会。。 原来我并没有彻底地把它处理好。。原来我还在奢望着。。原来我依然挂念着。。原来我还没完全放下。。原来。。

Grew up in Malaysia.
Spent the first 18 years of my life there.. Had my first crush and a taste of (puppy) love.. Relationships was never on my mind during adolescence.. I was too busy trying to find acceptance.. Came back about 2 years ago knowing what I want and don’t want in Life… and staying here is NOT what I want..

Wised-up in Singapore
Spent the next 13+ years there.. with my heart in locks and chains.. relationships and intimacy were things I avoided.. “too busy” with studies and then with work were my cover for not having any bf.. never once crossed my mind that I’m playing for the other team..

Came out in Japan
Spent the subsequent 2.5 years there.. with only studies on my plate and plenty of time to kill, I had the luxury of looking inward and pry deeper into the depths of my heart.. found who I am.. and had a ‘straight-girl’ crush on my house-mate that took me almost 20 months to get over…

Hook  up in Taiwan?
Will be spending, at least, the next 3 – 5 years there.. Pursuing my PhD in a city/country that is more tolerant and accepting.. getting away from pesky relatives and family pressure to be ‘normal’..  really hope to find someone to share my life with.. I want to love and be loved..

Will I get my wish in Formosa?? I really hope so..

Actually, all I want is to be YOURS, exclusively and wholeheartedly..

So in order to make known my very own list of top 10 hottest ladies, here they are, in no particular order of preferences..

Lena Headey

Ever since I watched the movie “Imagine Me & You”, I was smitten by Lena.. then the movie “300″… followed by Terminator: The Sarah Connor’s Chronicles.. but I don’t like her being blonde in Game of Thrones..

Heather Pearce

Detective Sam Murray… from Lip Service.. I just think Cat is blessed to have her…. if she dumps Sam, I want her..

Amami Yuki

One reason why I kept watching Japanese dramas..

Sheetal Sheth

“The World Unseen” and “I Can’t Think Straight” introduced me this beauty.. Can’t wait to see “Three Veils”…

Naya Rivera

She’s a bitch in Glee..  a closet lesbian… and she is in love with her best friend… things that I can relate to.. I don’t mind having her as a pal..

Angie Harmon

Detective Rizzoli.. strong, dorky and hates dressing up.. things we have in common…

Zoie Palmer

I prefer her to Anna Sillk and Ksenia Solo in “Lost Girl”.. really hope to see more of her in Season 2 when it starts in June…

Angelina Jolie

What more is there to say about this enchanting woman?

Elizabeth Mitchell

Saw her with Angelina Jolie on “Gia”.. then on “Lost”… I just love a strong independent woman..

Shay Mitchell

I watched Pretty Little Liars because of her… her eyes and that smile… and who can resist this lady in red??

Honorary mentions: 

Had a crush on her since “Bend It Like Beckham”… then “The Pirates” movies.. “Atonement” and “The Duchess”..

Jennifer Beals

She will forever be Bette Potter to me… now and forever… I wanna be her.. and I wanna find my very own Tina…

Padma Lakshmi

One of the many reasons why I kept watching “Top Chef”… just to see her.. in dresses, shirts, pants and bikinis…. yum yum!!

Anna Torv

Just have this thing for special agents or women in suits…  after Agent Dana Scully, it is Agent Olivia Dunham for me…

So noticed a pattern in the ladies that I liked??

It is so good to be able to see a couple being so in love and everyone around them being so supportive..

When and where can I find my own Arizona??